To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog candoor], from anywhere else use http://personals.theonion.com/blog/candoor,
and to read it remotely use the feed.
I've noticed in my browsing of blogs here recently talk of posts being changed by the people who run the site... I'm wondering if the blog writer is notified of such changes (or are there posts in my archive here with my name on them that I did not write?... that would be misrepresenting me in a public forum without notifying me and not cool personally and questionable legally)...
just one more reason I appear mostly on my own site (which I understand I can not post a link to here, which undermines any connecting we might do, which makes no sense for a site created to connect people, so if you are serious about connecting, find me at a dot net with the same name as here or drop one o and look me up in the phone book online, I'm the only one in Orlando, FL, and give me a call)...
I wonder if this sincere attempt to connect with you meaningfully will be prevented by editing... I wonder if I'll know... or if you'll know I cared and tried to trust you...
and numbers, the number of posts, points, and so on... I'm not sure what's being counted or credited... I'm wondering is points are for posting entries or for posting comments or both or neither...
and the number under the photo, the age number... how accurate are they really... and if I put a 40 or 38 under mine, would I be seen differently?... that seems to be the case in my experience online where all that seems to matter is a/s/l...
I am not sure if I woke up wondering this morning or if I started wondering after I cam here to read and explore and hope for potential friends... and I wonder if I'd be wondering as much as this if I was receiving comments or finding conversations (the lack of which lead me to wonder about ageism)...
I wonder what would happen if I created a profile somewhere with lower numbers, lower age, lower word count, lower interests, lower hope for honest interaction without prejudice...
and I wonder if you are there... and I wonder if you are amused or bothered or indifferent or another emotion... and I wonder if you think I am amused or bnothered or indifferent or another emotion...
I wonder because I am curious, because I'd like to know... that's why I'm here... to share something meaningful, something honest, something real and find a friend or friends... I wonder why you are here...
as a lifelong personal word-writer (that is, from scribbles to diaries to journals and now, to blogs), I see the empty box on the web much as I've seen the blank page... so much empty space, so much possibility, the infinity of imagination waiting for me to find some words to express it from my perspective...
and I cop out most of the time by babbling, also known as free-associating, because it's easy for me to just start thinking and letting the words follow the thoughts out of my head...
but what does it do for you for me to put these odd thoughts out here matters because what it does for you is what it does for me out here...
anybody get that?
I can enjoy the release of words, the play within my own mind, the therapy and creativity and sense of release that writing gives me, but the point of letting the words out is expanded out here where you can read as well...
it is you who decides what this empty box (and the next empty box) means as much, if not more than I do... though without you, I can just keep babbling to myself and the general you out there if there's no conversation... I might wax poetic or get lyrical or ponder the unverse or my navel (left to my own devices there is no telling where the content of these words might end up, especially since I am not here to please you, but rather to just be myself)...
still, you as much as I decide the steps in the literary dance... ultimately, I am a blogger much more than an internet dater... I'm not looking for empty flirtation or superficial ego trips, I am looking to share what's on my mind, enjoy myself, and share a smile in words with those of you who's words inspire me to smile...
if our words lead us to find a way to smile at each other offline, then great, but until then I don't take the personal romance aspect of these online personals sites too seriously...
so does that mean I waste my time here?...
perhaps, from some perspectives, but I'll learn something sooner or later and any time spent learning is not wasted for me...
I believe no expectations is a good way to approach everything... I certainly will not assume I could know you enough to love you in any romantic way solely through words online...
but perhaps we can imagine (and enjoy our imaginations without losing ourselves in fantasy) understanding each other in some way that feels good inside... I've already felt that reading some of you and can only hope some of you feel it here once in a while...
whatever comes of it, I think everyone should post a few words on the public web to leave some part of your self out here for the world to find... if only to leave a mark to let us know you were here, alive in this life, at some moment in time...
I sat here after work semi-napping while reading entries around various blog sites and leaving some rambling comments (strange things sometimes happen with words in my mind when I am on the border of sleep and awake)...
I didn't get to read enough before wandering off into dreams, so there are many people I have been meaning to get back to reading this week (or has it been two already?) that still must wait for the weekend... working double shifts and having my roommate's daughter home all day (with school out and all) is occupying a lot of my time and energy...
I am often told I cut to the chase too quickly, that my unabashed honesty is unattractive, without allure, unappealing, and downright scary... sometimes I almost believe that, but even if it's true, I am as I want to be and would rather be alone and me than not alone and not me...
and does the novelty wear off so soon?...
I worked 16 hours (barbecued for twenty five people out at the pool, work is life... and a mess, but I rambled about work in my behind the candoor home at diaryland), have to be back at work in less than four hours (and caught up with real time at blogspot), and in finding a link to my cybersoulmate profile, I remembered I once had an eharmony profile (wonder if I can find it)... and I wonder if either of those sites worked for anybody...
hope your day danced... time to sleep for a couple of hours... nite
and dream about tomorrow... and the hours go by like minutes... yes, the Eagles song, if you recall it, came to mind as I read the first comment and perhaps that's why I had nothing to say yesterday... if I could only stop my mind...
ah, but the amusement I find in the songs that flow from such thoughts, worrying about this wasted time, is that I don't spend much time or energy on worry... sure, the laments over lost love and time passing without the shared passion underlie most everything when we peel away the layers of sheer joy for living and being that is just as real an experience for me almost all the time, but the final verse of that same Eagles song sums it up well for me… it wasn't really wasted time…
ah, it is only when I foolishly forget that each moment is a learning experience and that even when some lessons seem harsh, learning can always be a beautiful thing…
so how to keep from foolishly forgetting?…
being perfect would be one way and I sadly see so many trying, believing that self-control and controlling their immediate environment and the people around them can do it – from the individual to the communal religious controls, but do they really work?… maybe for some who can close their minds to the bigger picture in which they are not working…
trusting someone to remind us?… that would be nice, to find someone so trusted (and caring to be around) to remind us how foolish it is to slip into self-doubt and insecurity… how ultimately amusing – or sad - it becomes to learn that way because it's repetition of the same mistakes, the same self-defeating (in many cases self-destructive) habits…
I remind myself, in the absence of someone that close, by writing (and remembering, with the help of music and literature and other references) and being as honest with myself as I can be…
so in the end, nothing is wasted… even the delay of repetition without progress, of long lonely times feeling sorry for myself or silly times distracting myself with superficial distractions… and that's what I decided to remember today…
well, I'm back again, which is a surprise, but I appreciate comments and want you to know that and since you can't read my mind (I think), I've come to tell you... thanks
I went over to my blogspot blog to write an entry and started an entry at my diaryland home after writing the last entry here... that's usually how I fill my days since I don't know anyone who is home during the day and wants to hang out or do things with me... working nights can be an obstacle to a social life, but I think it's just part of it...
as the years pass I find fewer and fewer people just hanging out places looking for friends... suspicion and openness and friendliness seem to fade as people age... I get the strangest looks (and sometimes hostile rebukes) for smiling and saying hello to people (some tell me I am too familiar, that my comfortable greeting puts people off because they lost the ability to trust as I do and suspect me when I am just being friendly... I say people forget how to be or become friends, but the majority rules)...
if I had a dollar for every time I've been told to act my age simply because I am excited to be alive and enjoying a walk (or hop, skip, and jump) in the park or any activity or event, I'd buy a big house where we all could live and have enough left over to live really well without ever having to work again...
and when I was nineteen and living with and sharing life with a thirty-two year old mom of two I was judged negatively as well... I realized a long time ago (at four years old, actually, when I was treated like a freak for exploring the sensuality of this human body with my first girlfriend... the irony was the teachers and parents taught us the words boyfriend and girlfriend calling our affection for each other "so cute" until they found us rolling around naked one day... people are so afraid of life) that a lot of people want to find fault and judge negatively and that doesn't have to stop me from being me and enjoying life without becoming like them...
some of these thoughts were inspired by an entry by Vittoria about whether putting a false age in a profile is an effective way to actually meet someone... and by thoughts about innocence posted by several different people including atypical_grrl and Livingdeadgir1... and by (the starting point is so often inside) thoughts of why I am here and alone in life and how developing an active social life as a single guy gets more challenging with each passing year...
it's more of an observation than a lament (though don't get me wrong, I can lament with great gusto at times... I'm just cutting to the giggle early this time... my self-pity always leads to laughing at myself eventually... I'm just lucky that way)...
so here I am rambling on and on in a dozen different places online... and yet, what can we make of being here?... pass the time sharing words until we're too sleepy to sit up and must fall over into our beds, only to wake up alone and repeat the process each day?... is that a cynical perspective?...
can we run a few miles challenging each other to improve our mile times and continue running until we feel the rush of runner's high?... can we reach out and stroke each other's hair or hug each other?... can we play patty-cake? (with apologies to Roger Rabbit)... can we share a sumptuous meal and decadent dessert?... and most importantly, can we really get to know each other?...
I've often said (or written, to be more precise) that you can read every word I've ever put online and still you only scratch the surface of all I've ever written... and you can read all I've ever written (if you've got a few years to devote to it) and still you only scratch the surface of me (well, maybe after the second year you might get a bit deeper than the surface, but all humorous asides aside, I have said these things and was serious at the times I did)...
so I wonder if I am wasting my time...
and yet, I hope... silly, maybe... ridiculous, perhaps... childish, could be... but I write primarily to express myself to myself so I can understand me better and right behind that reason, I write to share myself with the world with the hope that someone who could actually be my partner in life might find me...
as futile as that hope might be, that's why I post words online... like sending messages out in bottles... like sticking wanted posters up on random walls and poles around the world... wanted: someone to love who can understand, relate to, love, respect, mostly agree with, and keep up with me... reward: me and everything I am and have, especially unconditional love and trust...
yeah, so what else is new?...
I think one of my comments disappeared and I wonder if that happens a lot around here...
well, sort of... the third post and the third night (I work nights) I actually worked and didn't spend time writing, which is a dramatic chance of pace and leaves piles of words bouncing around my head tripping over each other to come out... I don't often make much sense outside of my head (and a few amazing people who once knew me) when the words bottle up as they have, so excuse me if nonsense offends you...
but then, you've been warned, so excuse yourself if you stick around and feel like you wasted your time...
I returned home from work and clicked on the link to this blog that I left in my last diary entry... can I link my [url=http://fastcupid.com]diary entry[/url] here?... I suppose I'll find out when I click the Add button to upload this entry... if it doesn't work, it's at diaryland and I use the same name, look it up...
it was a comment in another of my blogs (recently begun at blogspot {yes, same name} as an attempt to actually keep in touch with people who want to know where I am and what I am doing in my offline world on a real time basis) that lead me to ponder my loneliness a bit more than I do on an every day basis (I have many sad laments and pathetic lonely-boy rhymes if you'd like to share the moments of poor-me that come and go as I ride the emotional roller coaster I loosely call my life... they can be found in the lands of the mostlydead at diaryland and at live journal) and might be nudging me into a semi-silence in which I am subconsciously pondering my lot in life while distracting myself with work and odd ends that ultimately brings me here again...
of course that's just one theory...
I was, until about three days ago, spending much of my online time surfing and chatting at blogmad (which is a blog exchange community I won't link just yet here cuz I am not sure how free I am to introduce myself or my world online here at theonion and I wouldn't want to break their rules all at once {the rebel in me giggles at the attempted tease of the restrictions online communities put on themselves for whatever reasons the creators of the communities have... I doubt I'll ever fully, understand why humans prefer to live in closed boxes, but I suppose it may be safer in some ways}, after all)...
of course I digressed, it's what I do...
if my friends from blogmad have found me rambling here, I hope you don't feel cheated upon (is that a branding iron in your hand?... I am not a blog slut, really, just exploring the world in cyberspace... you know how hard to get I am deep down... I hear you laughing... I'm gonna stop pretending you are reading and continue talking to myself now)...
I tend to think in many directions at once and wish I could find someone who understands that such a way of thinking is not always a mental illness... what appears to be ADD can instantly become such intense singular focus that you might prefer me to switch back to scattered thoughts and scanning the horizon...
I suppose that by the time I ponder the best way to introduce myself here I'll have already written so many massive missives that few people will have stuck around to read that hypothetical and illusive best introduction... try [url=http://fastcupid.com]the back door[/url] (yes, the same name, just add dot net) if you have time and are interested (the window hasn't been used in so long it may not be functional, but the concept remains and given the right inspiration, I just might get back to building my online house)...
I am still not sure just why I am here... sure, I am lonely and want friends... sure I live to be in love and share life with a partner... but do I believe such relationships can be found online?... even as I firmly believe there is always hope for dreams to come true, I'll check the agnostic box on that question for now...
I am an existential puppy a enigmatic guppy an eagle searching for a nest
I am not yippie or yuppie left behind the silver cuppie for the heart is what I love best
and I have no expectations of magic copulations I don't pretend to know what will be
seems to many want great wealth I am satisfied with health and all I want is honesty
but honesty, as Billy said too well, is such a lonely word... and I believe I am still alone in this life because I've yet to meet a human who really wants it all the time in the real flesh and blood world and that is where the real sharing begins for me... I've learned to enjoy the play of life on more superficial and less real levels (a survival skill, I think), but even as I am usually the genuinely happiest person wherever I go, there's a deep longing for more truth, more depth, and more honesty...
insecurity seems to guide most people on to paths walled by fear that lead to isolation and pretense... I am not fearless and far from perfect, but I consciously strive to hide nothing from myself or from anyone who cares to know me... I think any other way is a waste of time...
honesty without harm is true innocence and that is the ideal and the quest I choose for myself in this life... yes, me and Don Quixote, perhaps, but I believe there is no greater power or gift than true love (yes, and large chocolate pills help along the way to finding out)...
my rambles are threaded with references to popular culture, music, films, stories, and anything that I find along the trail as the words coalesce (where's the spellchecker on this thing anyway?)... I think in rhymes and feel in melodies and seek to share a life of harmonies... and yet, I tend to keep both feet on the ground way more than my literary persona might suggest... mostly because I have never intended to fly solo and save my best flights of fancy and deepest realness for the one (all I've ever needed)... I do believe in soul mates and fairy tales and magic moments as two connect and feel as one...
I am not a half seeking another half to make me a whole... I am complete and comfortable within myself... I seek one who knows no need and is therefore free to experience complete desire, to live and die and be reborn again as a pair of complete beings, two dice ready to roll together through life...
of course, sometimes I think I might metaphor a point to death...
luckily I can always find humor (yes in everything too) and laughing at myself is one of my favorite pastimes...
as far as I can tell, life is temporary and personally, I am here to enjoy it as much as possible... I appear, I am told, sure of myself and at times, seem like I think I know everything, but the one thing I am most sure of is that the more right I might think I am, the more wrong I can be... so I don't think I am quite as right as it may appear to others... I think what they mistake for certainty is a lack of worry or stress... I am not fearless, I choose not to empower fear... so while in a five year old it might be considered precocious or even cute, in a supposedly mature man it is perceived more as arrogance or perhaps foolhardy... I mention this not because I am concerned with what people in general think of me or how I am perceived, but so that you may choose to know me better... it does matter to me very much what those I come to love and trust personally think...
will I come to love and trust you personally?...
you have as much say in that answer as I do... and on that note, I'll pause in my endless ramblings (at least here) and consider picking up this train of thought (or another) in my other writing spaces... after all, I have kept a relatively daily diary in one place for almost three years and I'm not one to simply up and walk away... you can find me there if you wish to continue walking along with me...
thanks for reading... hope you are finding more smiles than frowns along your way
besides me, I mean, the very strange thing about this post is that I am more ambivalent than usual today... it's been a long time since I felt like just sitting in front of random television and vegetating, but that is slightly kind of how I feel, I think...
nothing a few moments of watching Tony Danza and the Iron Chef throw food into a pot won't cure, but it's still a very strange feeling...
I'd rather live life than watch it most of the time, but I can watch anything when curled up with someone comfortable... heck of a poor way to introduce myself, I suppose, but then the ambivalence is strong today...
so what are we actually doing here?... I mean, is this just another online playground where we pass words back and forth as a substitute for going out and finding some actual eye contact and vocal conversation?...
like what if I spent a lot of time here (as I've done in other online communities) and find some way of becoming popular (as I've not done in other online communities) and find my words and comments and responses and time here in demand?...
just how would that actually help me find a social life that includes activities other than sitting here typing?... a computer can't hold my hand, after all...
at least not yet...
but then, I love conversation and words and reading and writing so I am drawn to spread my words all over the place for whatever it may mean... I think the bottom line for the moment is that I am tired and want to curl up and nap... so if there are any curl up and nap partners around, well, you're missing your chance...
next time, I will attempt to explore the comment system and respond to the kind Livingdeadgir1 who commented (ironically, I know someone who goes by the handle livingdeadgirl offline) already (I was all set to be ignored for a while, but I love the great surprise)... I had many thoughts in response to her posts, but found a lack of conversational starters in my brain (which is very strange to the max)...
so I can here... I'm not sure why... it's not like I'm going to find someone to nap with right here right now by putting these words online...
To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog candoor], from anywhere else use http://personals.theonion.com/blog/candoor,
and to read it remotely use the feed.
